I know that this is weird, but why do you think i do it?

I don't know why, i have always liked trying to give myself a black eye. I almost like the feeling of it. When i get them i always try to poke at them and preserve the look. When i don't have them lots of times I will intentionally hit my eye against a door or a doorknob or something? I know this is really weird but is there a reason why i might do it? I have had some problems with depression in the past.